you were my love and i was you angel. the one i knew in my heart that i was destined to meet, to marry and grow old with... but you cut this dream short. when we first met and began dating so many signs appeared. we thought these signs were some form of divine intervention that brought us together- the horses, the lighthouse, new orleans, the trials and tribulations of dealing with a child with an addiction, the pain of a cheating spouse, the horseshoes, and hazel. everywhere we went, there were signs... even down to the sale of your home. our love was intense. we knew immediately that we couldn't stay away from each other despite our attempts to try. i asked you to walk the line and you did. you told me "you gave me my marching orders and i will show you". you did. you wanted us to be, no one has ever done for me, what you had done in such a short amount of time. we were mady in love. others commented that we were moving too fast but in our hearts, we felt like we knew each other in a past life... we felt like we were home when we were in each other's arms. it was unexplainable to those on the outside but to us, we did'nt care... until one day you did. you let the soon to be ex (the "dark side" as we affectionately called her") get into your head. she was able to tell some stretched truths to your professional circle, despite her own numerous infidelities over the past 20 years, and this was detrimental to you. you felt ostracized by the former colleagues that the "dark side" had dotten to. then your longtime assistant left... that was when the depression kicked in and you turned into a completely different man. i tried to help you. you claimed i was your only solace. you thanked god for me. you told me every day how lucky you were to have me. it wasn't long until the antidepressants kicked in and i could only see the shell of the man that i fell in love with... it was you on the outside, your body and your hand, but it wasn't you on the inside. your eyes changed. you were no longer yourself. you weren't sleeping at night and very tired during the day. i tried to help and bring you back to me. I would see glimpses of you and then you would dissapear again. i later learned you weren't going into work and began cancelling lunch dates with friends, falling into seclusion,. where you went, i have no clue? i was helpess. all i wanted was to help you get back to your old self. to be that man that i was so in love with work started slowing down and your steady income was declining. your self-confidence was shot. your children weren't adjusting to the changes and "the dark side" left the state... leaving you to handle it all. at the same time, the "dark side" wanted to take your retirement and put so much guilt on you. this was the "straw that broke the camel's back". you decided one morning that you wanted to leave it all...me, your kids, your family and friends. you did. how you felt that was the only option, i will never understand it? i have spent many nights trying to understand it. i am damaged. i will never be the same. my heart is shattered and there has not been a day that has gone by that i haven't thought about you or broke down crying. the emptiness that you brought on is absolutely devastating. devastating doesn't even begin to describe the hell i am living you left me in a terrible situation. your family turned on me. your ex. you knew the ex and the children would be taken care of... me? not so. i was left with nothing. trying to get back on my feet. that struggle is tough on its own but to deal with that and deal with grieving you at the same time was/is cruel. i don't wish that on anyone. every day i am left to fight this battle, these thoughts alone. five days after you left this world, you came to visit me. you looked so healthy and handsome and you we're surrounded by light. you stared at me lovingly but your eyes- they expressed how sorry you were.they expressed love for me. you visited me again a month later, this time you smiled at me and kissed me. it happened so quickly and out of nowhere, it startled me and caught me by suprise. i have felt numerous times-your touch on my arm, my face and stroking my hair... you have made me feel your presence. you even sent me songs, opened my door, sent me hummingbirds, sent me numerous black camaro's within minutes of each other, squeezed my hand and even showed my mother that you were still with me. you did always tell me "i will spend the rest of my life with you". you certainly kept that promise. i made a special request to you and asked you to pull some strings in heaven. you delivered my request on your 3 month anniversary of your death. you also sent me 3 unmistakeable signs on that day. since that day i haven't felt your presence as much. you stopped sending me signs that you are around. you stopped visiting me and i don't want you to leave me... of course, i am still going through this vicious cycle- guilt, anger, depression, blame, fear, rejection, abandonment and profound grieving. i feel like i have a hadle on it and the whole damn vicious cycle starts all over again. i don't know if i can ever let you go?" i keep praying that you will show yourself to me again. it's been over a month and nothing. i know you want me to forgive you. i don't know how. you left me in a bad situation. how could you not have thought about me? i don't understand this. you left nothing for me and threw me to the wolves, so to speak... your ex and family. i wasn't even invited to your service. i was robbed of that. how do i even begin to forgive this? you left me flat on my back and with no money to even begin to start over or to be in a safe place to grieve you. how does someone who claims to love you do this? how do i even begin to love again? can i? how do i trust again? the loneliness that you brought on is torture then there are nights that i go back to in my mind... we are on our couch. my head on your belly and you are stroking my hair. i'm homesick and i miss you doesn't even begin to express my longing for you...how do i begin to let you go? how do i rid myself of your memory? when will i stop crying? god, i pray for that day. now, you have become my angel. i will love you forever and always